


Tenno Bridges

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed Tsukishima Kei, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Minor Tanaka Saeko/Tsukishima Akiteru, Minor Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Suicide Attempt, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Tsukishima Kei is a Mess, Tsukishima Kei-centric, Yamaguchi Tadashi is a Good Friend, an organized mess though, but like its not explicitly romantic like u can take it whatever way you want, cause like i dont go super in detail abt his suffering, idk if this counts as angst, so many tsukishima tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 01:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30047919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The streetlamps and moonlight illuminated what would be an otherwise dark path ahead of him. Save for his footsteps and the sound of nature, it was almost completely quiet. Tsukishima Kei, 16, couldn't believe what he was about to do. He was about to end his life, and he couldn't feel more relieved about it.MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for suicide, depression, mental health, body image, etc. Suicide is talked about as if it were a light subject in some parts.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	Tenno Bridges

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, this fic is not the best representation of mental health issues at all. If you didn't read the trigger warnings before, I'm telling you again.
> 
> Suicide is a big deal. This fic talks about it as if it were the weather. Okay not exactly but still.

The streetlamps and moonlight illuminated what would be an otherwise dark path ahead of him. Save for his footsteps and the sound of nature, it was almost completely quiet. Tsukishima Kei, 16, couldn't believe what he was about to do. He was about to end his life, and he couldn't feel more relieved about it.

It's hard to say exactly when he started to consider suicide. When he was a kid he was happy, sure, but even then he was definitely different from the rest of his classmates. He wasn't an outcast, but he didn't understand things that seemed to come easily to everyone else, i.e. social skills and certain aspects of empathy. Then middle school started, and it seemed along with the extra height (fun!) he also began to develop crushingly low self-esteem and an enormous self-hatred (not so fun.). Fast forward to high school, and nothing much has changed.

And now he's here, standing on the ledge to some bridge fully prepared to jump. You might be thinking "But Kei! If you've felt this way for so long, then why are you only deciding to finally kick the bucket now!? What tragic, unbearable event finally made you snap?" 

Good question. The answer is: Nothing. It just seemed right. He just had a passing thought that was like ' _Hm. I should probably kill myself, like for real, soon._ ' And so he's going to.

He knows he's being selfish, he's not going to pretend like absolutely _nobody_ will care that he's gone. Even if he isn't exactly affectionate with his volleyball club, they're not heartless enough to ignore a teammate's death. And his mom and brother will be sad too, probably. And then there's Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi is actually one of the only reasons he's put off dying for so long. It's cruel to leave the kid alone, but he gets along well with their classmates and teammates, he has other friends. So eventually, Kei figures, everyone will get over it. 

Death is weird. In elementary school, one of his grandpas died. They weren't close; he didn't cry. He didn't even process it, mainly. It just seemed like one day his grandpa just- stopped showing up to reunions. Maybe if he spent more time with him before the whole death thing it would have affected Tsukishima more. Part of him tells himself that it wouldn't. But anyways, death is weird. When he's gone, maybe it will just seem like he's missing practice. Like he's skipping school, or like his phones dead and he can't respond to messages. 

The water looks black under the night sky. The moonlight is reflecting off of the waves. Each crash and ripple is loud, but it's peaceful. Wow, he's really gonna do this, huh. Maybe he should shoot Yamaguchi a goodbye message. Nah.

He supposes he should feel more emotional about this. To be fair, he hasn't been too emotional about the whole crippling self-doubt, and stuff, so it's not too surprising. It's kind of annoying that he hasn't been, to be honest. At least with one or two emotional breakdowns over all this, he could dramatize his sadness, pretend like he's some misunderstood tragic character from an angsty novel. But instead, he's just kinda been.. there. 

The waves are louder now, and they're interrupting his thoughts. Well, maybe that's a sign to stop musing and get on with it. He lifts a foot to climb over a railing and finally do what he came here to do and then of course as if the universe is set on even making his last moments un-peaceful, he gets a phone call. Why'd he even bring his phone with him again? To play a game of candy crush before falling to his death? Unbelievable. It's just like him to manage to fuck up the simplest thing- he literally just has to let gravity do most of the work. Whatever. Also- who is calling him? It's nearly two in the morning. Who calls people at two in the morning.

Yamaguchi does, apparently. Which is weird because Yamaguchi knows he doesn't stay up late usually. He's tempted to ignore the call, but this is too strange to not pick up.

"..Hello?"

"Oh my god. Tsukki, where are you?" 

On a bridge, about to bite the dust. Meet his maker. Take a dirt nap. But that's not the appropriate answer, probably. So he lies.

"Uh, in my room? Why?"

"No, you're not. Your mom called me asking where you were." 

Okay, shit. His mom never checks in on him when he's asleep. Why now.

"My mom?"

"YES your mom, Tsukki. Are you- _holy shit is that waves_? Do I hear water? Actually, _where are you_??"

He should've picked a better way to kill himself. Something less loud, apparently.

"Yeah."

"Don't 'yeah' me- wait- stop ignoring the question, where the **fuck** are you?"

"I- uh. I snuck out. Look, it's not a big deal, seriously."

"Not a big deal? _Not a big deal?_ Your mom calls me at two A.M. going absolutely insane because she has no idea where you are, and you're not at my house, and you really don't have any other friends so _who else's house would you be at_. Actually- wait yeah- you don't have any other friends, so _where_ did you even sneak out to???" 

Ouch, okay. Yamaguchi's mad. He can't blame the boy, nobody wants to be called at 2 in the morning by a very frantic mother. 

"I needed some fresh air, seriously don't worry, I'll be back soon."

"Where. Are. You."

"..."

"Tsukki."

"... the Tenno bridges."

"Th- THE TENNO BRIDGES?? That's like- 4 kilometers away. Are you **kidding** me?"

7 kilometers, actually. It took forever to walk over. But Yamaguchi probably doesn't want to hear that.

"... Sorry?"

"I- I mean what am I even supposed to tell your mom. You're four-" [seven] "kilometers away at some fucking bridge doing god knows what."

"I can tell her."

"That's not the problem here Tsukki!" Okay, Yamaguchi is definitely pissed off now. Kei can admit he's being a little hard to work with on purpose, but he should probably quit that before Yamaguchi explodes.  
"What are you even doing there!?"

"... I needed some fresh air." Nevermind, if he doesn't stop being difficult he'll probably say something that gets him admitted to a psych ward. 

"Nobody walks 4-" again, _seven_. "kilometers for some 'fresh air', I'm not dumb, Tsukki." He feels like a child being scolded right now, which is fair since he's acting like one, but still. 

"I know you're not."

This conversation is going nowhere. It's tempting to just hang up and jump, but now he's questioning if killing himself is even the right thing for tonight. The mood's kind of ruined- y'know? Maybe some other night, at someplace that isn't seven kilometers away with loud ass waves. 

"God- fuck- just wait there I'll find a way to pick you up."

"Wait- no, you don't have to do that."

"Tsukishima Kei. You are four-" _seven_ "kilometers away, it's 2 am, and you're acting like a stubborn third grader. You're gonna get picked up."

"Okay, fine." 

Yamaguchi hangs up. He would jump, but now god knows who is coming to pick him up now, so that would be impolite of him.

He's left with his thoughts for a few minutes, which is never fun. Yamaguchi calls him again, which interrupts his lamenting about how his suicide was ruined.

"Yes?"

"Your brother's girlfriend is on her way to get you."  
Oh god.  
"Saeko??"

"Yes, Saeko. And be _grateful_ , she's saving you from having to walk for a good hour home."

He wasn't planning on having to make the trip home, so he doesn't exactly feel "saved". But hey, on the bright side he might die like he planned this evening! Even though he failed to do it himself, the chances of surviving a car ride driven by Saeko Tanaka are probably lower than the chances of surviving jumping off a bridge.

"Okay."

There's silence again, but Yamaguchi doesn't hang up. Kei figures that means he probably shouldn't either, so he just waits. The water below him looks different now that he's not going to be drowning in it. It ironically looks more dangerous than before. It seemed more peaceful earlier, like it was going to lift a weight off his shoulders that he's been carrying for years. Now it's just water. It looks choppy and gross and polluted, and really not a place that it seems like you'd want to willingly be in. Maybe it's good his plans got ruined, he can think of a more pleasant way to die and properly tie up all the loose ends. Maybe it was a sign from the universe telling him that he's not meant to die there. Yeah, right. Kei's never been exactly superstitious, and even if he was he doubts he'd let the universe ruin something he so desperately craves. 

"Tsukki?"

Oh, right. Yamaguchi.

"Hm?"

" _Seriously_ , what are you doing at those bridges?" Yamaguchi doesn't sound as displeased as before. His tone is softer, it's concerned. Great. Kei didn't want to have anyone be concerned over someone like him. It would also be great if he had an answer that would quell all those worries of his friend. But Yamaguchi isn't stupid.

"Have you ever just wanted to go on a walk somewhere?

Yamaguchi lets out a small chuckle at that, "To some bridges that are kilometers away, in the middle of the night? No, I can't say I have."

At least he laughed. 

"Tsukki... you'd tell me, right? Like, if anything was going on with you?" 

He fakes a snicker and replies "Yamaguchi, I'm the same as I've always been, seriously." Which isn't a lie, _mostly_. The easiest way to lie is to throw in half-truths and slightly avoid the question. Then you can convince yourself that you're not a lying, pathetic sack of shit, just a really evasive question answerer!

Yamaguchi starts to say something that sounds like a protest but he interrupts his friend saying "Oh, Saeko's here. Goodnight Yamaguchi," and he hangs up.

She's not actually there yet, but Kei needs the time to think of how a perfectly happy teenage boy who got caught sneaking out would act. His sigh fills the now quieter atmosphere and massages his temples. An excuse to tell his mother is probably a good thing to think about, too. Saying he was doing drugs would probably be the easiest thing to do at this point. Headlights come out of nowhere and disorient him, realizing his ride is probably here. He climbs in the car with a quiet "Sorry" and buckles up.

"Listen, Kei. You're a good kid. So why are you sneaking out to go somewhere stupid like this?" 

"... To smoke pot?"

Saeko laughs at this, which probably isn't the best reaction from an adult after being told a kid is doing drugs. "You don't smell like weed, _trust me. Y_ ou weren't smoking anything." 

Despite his best efforts, Kei falls asleep in the car. Usually, he doesn't go to bed later than midnight, and today he walked for an hour and a half at around 12:30, then had a whole internal monologue about death. It's not that weird for him to be exhausted. He doesn't dream while he sleeps; he hasn't in a while. He wakes up briefly once they get to his house, even then he's barely conscious, and then he nearly crashes back onto his bed. Facing your own mortality is tiring. 

The next morning, he wishes he could just be asleep again. His mom is fuming, but he's only grounded for the week. He has been incredibly well-behaved for most of his life, so maybe this balances it out. Yamaguchi texts him. He doesn't answer it. Maybe he can get his mom to take his phone away as part of his punishment, so he has an excuse to not reply. It was Saturday, so he'll see Yamaguchi in a day or two at school, anyways. No need to say anything now. 

*****

It's Monday. 

He wishes it wasn't.

The hour and a half walk over to those goddamn bridges seemed shorter than the 5 minute one to his and Yamaguchi's meeting spot. He really has no idea what to say ~~if~~ when Yamaguchi bombards him with questions. Well, there's no other option than to just deal with it. Thinking of something on the spot can't be too hard, right?

Shit. Yamaguchi's already there, even though Tsukishima is usually the early one, so he really has no time to think now.

"Why are you ignoring my texts?" 

"..What texts?" At least he started it with an easy question. To avoid, not to answer, that is.

"The ones where I asked you what the hell is going on with you." 

"There's nothing going on with me." 

"Yes there is." 

"There really isn't." How much longer can they go on like this? It's becoming redundant.

"Why were you at those bridges." It wasn't a question, despite the way it was phrased, it was an accusation.

"What are you insinuating?"

"I'm not insinuating _anything_ -" yes, he was, "-I just think it's a bit, _I don't know_ , not like you to do stupid shit like that? So pardon me for being a little worried."

No point in beating around the bush anymore.

"You think I was going to kill myself." 

Yamaguchi spluttered at this. Okay, maybe Kei could have been a little less blunt. Sugarcoating has always been something he's never quite excelled at. 

"I never said that."

"You thought it though." 

"No, I just pointed out how weird you were being." His friend went silent for a second. "Were you going to-" the next words got stuck in his throat and then came out much quieter than the other part of the sentence, "-... kill yourself?"

"Why would I do that." Yet another evasion instead of an answer. He wondered for a second what would be the ramifications if he said yes. Not out of a desire to be "helped" but just pure curiosity.

"I don't- I. _don't. **know**_ **.** That's why I'm so confused." 

What a lovely walking to school conversation. They're almost there, though, so it's time to wrap things up.

"Listen, Yamaguchi. Whe- If I kill myself, which I would never do, then-"

" _You were about to say 'when'_. Oh my fucking god you were planning to die Friday, weren't you? _You were_. Oh my g- don't think I didn't catch that 'when'. Jesus christ, Tsukki."

He fucked up. This is still saveable, probably. Hopefully. Fuck. 

"Yamaguchi, can we not do this at school? People will stare." Geez, what a genius response. It earns him a glare from his friend, which is followed by a sigh. 

"Fine. But we're talking about this after school."

Class is.. extremely uncomfortable. Morning practice wasn't much better. The entire school day seems just to be leading up to talking with Yamaguchi afterward. They don't talk much during lunch, and when they do it's almost painfully awkward. Actually, it's almost a good opportunity. He has afternoon practice to be less of an asshole to his clubmates, maybe even nice, he can talk with Yamaguchi, tie up loose ends, and then die. Though a tad morbid sounding, it might be the best he can make of this whole situation.

*****

"Do you guys think there's something different about Tsukishima today?" 

"His blocks are really good."

"Well yeah, but outside of volleyball, too. Like, he seems happier? Nicer?"

"He's only made a King joke, like, once and he _apologized_ afterward. There's definitely something up."

Tsukishima could hear the conversation between the third years, but he chose to ignore it. So what if he's being nice? He can't be a complete asshole from birth until death, can he? 

He jumped up to block one of Tanaka's spikes but missed. Luckily, Hinata was there to receive it. Kageyama and Hinata pulled off a quick and the other team couldn't receive it.

"Nice receive. You've actually gotten a lot better."

Hinata stared at him, open-mouthed for a second.

"What?"

"Who are you? You're being like- way too nice." 

He rolled his eyes and said "Don't get used to it," even though he meant it in a different way than what it probably sounded like. 

Practice ended, thank god, since way too many people were giving him strange looks with every compliment he gave. But with the end of practice came the start to a conversation he really didn't want to have.

"Don't think I forgot about this morning." 

"Yeah." 

"You were going to kill yourself. Actually- You're probably still gonna aren't you? I don't think you're acting all nice today because you're just magically in a good mood. You're tying up loose ends."

Is this kid a psychic? Honestly, Kei never thought he was an extremely obvious person. 

"You're projecting."

"I'm _what?"_

"You're projecting. You don't think that there's any other reason I could've been at those bridges because that's the only reason you would have been there." He knows how ridiculous he sounds. But what else is he supposed to do? Admit to everything? Then be pitied by everyone around him? Be looked at like some poor, misunderstood soul? Yeah, no.

"I- I can't even believe you're doing this. Seriously, I'm not going to let you make me think this is all in my head-"

"It is."

"-and try to manipulate your way out of this. Why won't you let me be _worried_ about you!? I'm not **stupid.** "

"Yeah, you've said that a lot."

"Oh my god. Are you actually more prepared to fight me over this instead of admitting you have a problem and that you need help." Yamaguchi's becoming increasingly more frustrated by the second.

"I don't need help."

"You attempted to kill yourself! And-"

"-I didn't attempt anything. I was just at some bridges."

"You were at those bridges _to kill yourself_."

"That's what you've assumed." 

"You wanna know what the worst part of this is? I'm not even allowed to be mad. I can't even be pissed at you for manipulating and gaslighting me on this topic, because if I turn my back on you for one second _god knows what you'll do._ "

He has a point. Maybe Kei went too far.

"Yamaguchi-"

"Tsukki."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" 

"For..." That's the thing, Tsukishima has no idea what he's supposed to be sorry for. He's done numerous shitty things to Yamaguchi for a while, but this conversation was riddled with things that he should probably apologize for. Sorry for manipulating you? Sorry for being an asshole? Sorry for having his mom call him at 2 am? Sorry that he'll never be able to repay the kindness he's been shown by his friends?

"Sorry for trying to off myself?"

That wasn't the one he was planning to go with. Judging by the way his friend is now staring at him, clearly caught off guard, it wasn't the right answer either. He tries again.

"Sorry for being an asshole."

"You admitted to it."

"I've never denied being an asshole."

"No. You actually meant to commit- you actually were going to fucking die. I thought before for a second that maybe there was a chance you were right and I was overthinking it, but you were actually gonna do it. Holy shit." He seems panicked, any anger that he had in him before was completely vanished, replaced with disbelief. "How long? How long have you planned to- since when-"

"Yamaguchi. Calm down." 

"I can't just-"

"You can. Listen to me. When I actually pull the trigger, you-"

"When? I can't believe this- you make it sound like it's inevitable. You did it this morning too. How long. How long?"

"Since..?"

"You started feeling like this- I didn't even know for the longest time, oh my god, I didn't even think that-" Tears are forming in his friend's eyes. Consoling people is another thing to add to the list of things Kei's never been amazing at. 

"It's no big deal just-" and then something hits him in the side of his face, and he's on the floor. Oh. That something was a fist.

"No big deal? You could have died Friday while I was fast asleep and you don't think this is important?"

The tears are pouring out of Yamaguchi's eyes now, and he's straddling Kei while holding his collar, forcing them to make eye contact. The shirt grab reminds Tsukishima of their fight at the training camp, except this one seems a little less pep-inducing. 

"You hit me." 

"I did. And I'm going to do something worse."

He flinches and closes his eyes, expecting another blow. Once he realizes one isn't coming, he opens them again. 

"I'm telling your mom." Oh. That is a lot worse than being hit.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Akiteru, then?"

"I- no. Just. Tell my mom. I guess. And please let go of me."

Yamaguchi widens his eyes as if he forgot the position he was in, and quickly scrambles off of Tsukishima. 

And then they all lived happily ever after and Tsukishima was never depressed ever again.

Okay, just kidding.

He got put on meds, despite all of his protests. There were still bad days. He didn't quite love himself yet. It wasn't perfect. But it was better than before. Tadashi still checked in on him, which was still a little embarrassing, but the gesture was appreciated. Sure his teammates pester him and ask him where the "Nice Tsukishima from that one day" went, but it's bearable.

**Author's Note:**

> I really dislike this fic tbh and I'll probably end up orphaning it. Definitely did not mean for it to go on this long, especially the dialogue. It was meant to be a quick drabble, I didn't even expect to post it. I still don't know why I'm posting it. I could go on and on about the things I hate about this. Also, sorry for the lazy ass ending. 
> 
> Still, feedback on everything is GREATLY appreciated!


End file.
